The University of Nottingham

The University’s indefatigable security staff face many challenges on campus.  These are genuine extracts from recent University security reports. You can find consideration of these and more serious issues by following the blog of the University’s Registrar, Dr Paul Greatrix, at registrarism.wordpress.com

04.10: Report of students causing a disturbance outside Rutland Hall. Security attended and spoke to seven students who were very drunk. The students were asked to keep the noise down as other students still had exams. The students tried to bribe security officers with spaghetti before returning quietly to their halls of residence.

23.58: A student requested the fridge be removed from his room, as it smelled. Security attended and the fridge was removed. The student stated the reason it smelled was that he had spilled milk in it.

08.45: Request for Security to attend the Trent Building. A staff member had a pigeon in his office, which would not leave. Security attended and the pigeon was escorted from the building.

14.50: Report of two naked males with an inflatable sex doll outside the Portland Building. Security attended, the area was checked but no one of that description was found.

23.25: Report that a picture had been taken off the wall at Hugh Stewart Hall by a pirate. The pirate had gone in the direction of the Mooch Bar. Security attended the Mooch where they found more than 40 pirates, none of whom had the picture.

12.55: Report of a person trapped in mud in the lake adjacent to University Park. Security found a female stuck up to her waist. The
Fire Service were able to extract the female. No
explanation was given as to why she was in the mud.

07.20: Whilst patrolling the campus, security officers observed a man slashing at foliage with a golf club. Security spoke to the gentleman and asked him not to continue.

12.05: Report of a person trapped in a lift in the Medical School. The lift was being worked on by engineers when a person entered the lift without the engineers being aware. The Fire Service were called to release the person as he was keen to use the toilet.

23.50: Report of a suspicious vehicle parked at the rear of Cripps Hall with its engine running. Security attended and on approaching the vehicle a male and female emerged from the back seat in a state of undress. They apologised and after getting dressed left campus.

02.10: Report of a Tarantula in a room in Southwell Hall. After a careful search, a small house spider was captured by officers and removed from campus.